How to Help a Friend Who Has Experienced Sexual Violence

If you are a friend of a survivor, encourage your friend to immediately contact the Sexual Assault Response Advocate. You can also contact a SARA, who can help answer questions about your role as a friend of a sexual assault survivor. You can reach a SARA 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

(503) 202-3119 (pager)

(Enter your phone number after the prompt, then press #)

The most important thing you can do to help a friend who has experienced an act of sexual violence is to believe, support, and validate him or her. Beyond that, keep these guidelines in mind:

• Remain calm and collected. You may feel shock or anger, or want to retaliate, but expressing this will not be helpful to your friend. Do not try to scare your friend or coerce him or her into feeling a certain way. A survivor of sexual violence has already experienced a profound loss of control; the worst thing you can do is tell him or her how to feel or what to do. Provide information about resources, but without significant bias.
• Be patient, and listen well. Listening will let your friend know that you hear him or her, understand and care. It is important that you listen to what your friend tells you in a non-judgmental way. For the survivor, telling you about the sexual assault may be the first step toward recovery. By listening carefully, you can communicate genuine concern to your friend. By respecting silences in the conversation, you can convey acceptance. Let your friend decide what they would like to discuss and don’t force the issue. Support your friend by allowing him or her to recover and take action at his or her own pace.
• Make your friend feel safe. Assure your friend that he or she is not alone. Survivors of sexual violence often feel isolated, scared, and powerless. You can be the most helpful just by being there. Reassure your friend that you will not disclose any of the information that he or she is sharing with you. Make it known that he or she can trust you and that you have his or her wellbeing in mind.

What Not To Do:

• Don’t assume. Allow your friend to tell his or her own story. Be respectful by not making assumptions about their situation or what happened.
• Don’t judge. Judgments and evaluations are always to be avoided. Remember: accept, not approve.
• Don’t blame or criticize. Assure your friend that it is not his or her fault and your friend is not to blame for the assault in any way. Survivors often blame themselves and anticipate being blamed by others. No matter what they did or did not do, sexual assault is not their fault. Survivors need to know they are not to blame.
• Don’t tell them what to do. Help your friend by allowing them to make their own decisions and respecting their choices. You may feel that they are not acting the way you might in the same situation but telling them what to do will not empower them.
• Don’t tell them how to feel. Survivors of sexual assault may experience many feelings and reactions. Support your friend through their struggle and assure them that there is no shame in being angry, depressed, scared, etc.

What To Do if the Assault Just Occured:

• Safety. Your friend may not want to be left alone. Offer to stay with them. If you must leave, inform them and state when you will be back and offer to call someone they want to stay with them. Provide a protective environment.
• Medical Attention. Help them seek medical attention if they are physically hurt.
• Reporting. Offer to call a Sexual Assault Response Advocate, Campus Safety, The Portland Police Bureau, etc.

See resources.

The Bottom Line:

The best way to help a friend who has experienced sexual violence
is to BELIEVE, VALIDATE, and SUPPORT him or her.