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Collin Hamilton’s HAMSLAM: When an old flame interrupts the relationship

April 09, 2010

Dear Hamslam,

I put myself in quite a situation this weekend. So I was hosting a party and an old flame showed up. The next thing I know we’ve hooked up. They spent the night, but I woke up in an empty bed. I’m not exactly sure what to do now. You see… I’m kind of dating someone else at the moment. And this old flame isn’t exactly the kind I want to make a habit of hooking up with, or proclaim on a mountaintop that it happened in the first place. So tell me, oh wise Hamslam: What should I do now? Should I tell my significant other?

Should I say anything to my old flame? And what should I do about making sure this doesn’t get around?

Dear Reader,

This situation sounds interesting and I am glad you brought it to me. The crucial aspect about this situation is that at Lewis & Clark College nothing is sacred; therefore, nothing is secret and anything will spread like wild fire regardless of any precautions you may take. Because of the tendency for things to spread, it is important to inform whomever you must before they find out through another person.

You also need to consider why this happened. If you are in some type of relationship, try to define for yourself what it means to you. If your significant other is important to you, then you need to tell them. Lying about it never helps.

In my experience, if you cheat on a person there is a reason, and you need to find out what that reason is for yourself. Is this significant other worth it or not? Or is the significant other lame and therefore not about to keep your interest in the future?

Now, as for this old flame… if the old flame is not going to be a habit and you would not be comfortable telling others, then that does not sound promising. But you should ask yourself why this old flame was so appealing that night, and did you enjoy yourself? I guess I am unclear of the definition of hooking up, so I will assume you had sex. If this is the case, then were they any good? If they sucked, then extinguish that old flame ASAP. If they were decent then maybe weigh the pros and cons of the significant other and the flame. If that was the best sex you ever had then I would say: Baby, feed that fire.

You should have a conversation with both the old flame and the significant other to see where you stand. Bottom line here is that communication is key. You need to decide what you want and then communicate your needs to those involved. Be very clear. If you try and avoid this, it speaks to your immaturity. So my advice is to talk to all those involved. Clarify your relationships, and remember that you can have multiple relationships at once as long as everybody knows about it and is clear on it.