Pioneer LogLewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper

Collin Hamilton’s Hamslam: Green with envy

March 19, 2010

Dear Hamslam,

Why do all LC women stare at me longingly as I walk across campus?  Is it cause I am super hot? And why are they always looking at my lower body, why don’t they ever look at my face?

Dear Reader,

No, I know you, and you are not anything close to being considered hot. In fact you are fucking ugly. The reason LC women stare at you is because they want your penis. They all have penis envy!  Penis envy is a serious issue on campus that needs to be addressed with the utmost importance. 

To get right to the point, having a penis is better and privileges men to the extent that women desire them. Not only can men stand and pee, but they can do it while running, too. If you have never seen this, check it out, because it is truly miraculous. The advantages of having a penis will be evident, mostly, when the world becomes zombie-infested and zombie predators are constantly chasing humans. Imagine the efficiency of peeing and running. Girls are definitely going to be eaten more quickly because of this.

The only disadvantages of having a penis are random erections and the tendency to let it take over your brain entirely. Girls never have these problems. They never act foolishly because their organs are dominating over their brain. Still, escaping a zombie while peeing clearly outweighs lack of brain function and random erections.

To return to the base of this shaft, penis envy has truly taken root here at Lewis & Clark College. The penis envy I speak of is not exactly in line with Freud’s idea of sexual desires, but aims more to the broader idea of power struggles.

Having a penis is a socially constructed power symbol. LC women, that’s right — all of them, desire this power. As it stands now, the patriarchy is ever-present and in order for a woman to gain power she needs to outperform men. This has caused a trend among men to rely on their penises to get them places and in the end allows men to become lazy. Dudes ­— not okay.

Now, what can be done about men getting lazy and the LC ladies’ envy? I am glad you asked.  First, men need to pick up the pace. Instead of totally shutting down your real brain and flying on the calm winds of the system, challenge yourself continually and ask yourself why you got the job over the not-so-hot blond (chick) next to you. Is it sex discrimination or are you really that fly? Most likely is it because you are pretty fly, because who discriminates by sex these days anyway?
Second, LC ladies, knock it off. Stop checking out my reader’s package. Deep down, you know that you don’t need a penis to succeed. It’s all just because during your psychosexual development period something went amiss.

Finally, reader, never complain to me again about girls checking out what’s in your shorts. It brings out a side of me I don’t like. Just roll with it.