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Collin Hamilton’s Hamslam: Guys falling for gay girls

March 12, 2010

Dear Hamslam,

I just seem to have a thing for gay girls. At first I though it was just bad luck, but after asking out the third gay chick in a row, it’s looking less and less like a coincidence. Obviously, this has had a negative impact on my love life. How can I untangle my crush-meter from my gaydar? Please help!

— Crosswired in Burlingame

Dear Reader,

I too have this problem. Gay women are my favorite kind of women. Now to untangle your crush-meter from your gaydar − unfortunately, my gaydar is acute, so it is hard to give you a 100 percent answer, but I will try.

I sympathize with your attraction to gay women − what’s not to love? They are easy to relate to; you can always check out girls together; they can become your best friends and they can relate to you because of a similar attraction. So you have solidarity, too. So jeez, once you have established all those great connections…then you realize they are much better than all your guy friends (almost): less hair, softer skin, and usually some serious intellect…the list goes on.

And they have vaginas. Beautiful. So as my usual thought pattern goes…do they like me, do they love me, do they want to be that friend (for the night)? If this is how love goes…check yes or no, to quote George Strait. But then they turn you down and go off arm in arm with another really hot girl who was next on your list of girls to ask out.

This type of treatment is unhealthy, and I am just speculating from my own experience that it can lead to deep psychological scarring. At this point, what I usually do is drink a beer and cuddle with my male roommate. This is only a quick fix. Though my roommate’s arms do ease the pain, I usually need something stronger and long-lasting. Therefore, I then forget about women entirely for a couple of hours, until I notice another really fine gay girl. It’s a vicious cycle. In order to truly cure yourself you must switch to guys completely. I am serious: Bro lovin’ is the best kind out there. Have you seen Brokeback?

In terms of less serious advice, however, I would recommend creeping. You know, do a little bit of stalking, a little detective work. That does not mean you need to be sleazy! There is a fine line that people don’t understand today, and that is that creeping can be done with class. The first place you need to check is Facebook. Does she have bathing suit shots? Is there a picture of her kissing a guy in high school? What did she wear to prom? That kind of stuff. Usually at Lewis & Clark if a girl is gay, she is likely to be found on the top of the library yelling it at the top of her lungs. For those who have just found their passion for ladies, the Facebook method can be a little harder to interpret. Another sure tactic for finding out is a woman is gay is to ask her friends. Or if you are bold, ask her. She probably won’t blame you for trying, because she knows she is hot.