Pioneer LogLewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper

Self-doubt will kill the mood

March 05, 2010

by Marley Badolati

In the last edition of the Pioneer Log, I had the pleasure of reading a rebuttal to my article that detailed the similarities between sexual intercourse and proper classroom behavior. For those of you who seem to have better things to do than read the Letters to the Editor, I’ll summarize the main argument of Robert D. Cantwell’s letter: “[Ms. Badolati] has forgotten to address that most potent and sensitive of all sexual organs – the brain.” When I think about this reaction, I have to admit that, yes, the brain is important, but I decided to omit it. Why? Because even though stimulating the intellect is important for any sexual or platonic relationship, it just didn’t fit into the analogy well. My purpose was to describe how the physical act of sexual intercourse relates to discussion-classroom behavior; I did not intend to catalogue all of the necessary steps of seduction –although, that would serve as ample material for a future article. I was writing about post-romance physical relationships. I mean, after I’m already in bed with you I don’t want you to whisper the first 18 lines of the Canterbury Tales in Middle English into my ear. Yes, this impressed me at the bar. Yes, I liked it when you quoted Sonnet 116 as you shut my front door. But when I’m finally about to orgasm the last thing I want to hear out of your mouth is “Did you know that Nabokov was a synesthete?”

While I know that I could continue discussing the ability of too much nerdiness to kill a mood, I feel as though there is a more pressing issue that I must address related to the brain. Basically, we have got to stop over-thinking. Both the classroom and bedroom environment suffer from paralyzing self-doubt and this must be remedied. Yes, Mr. von Stein, it’s true: the following article is just a bunch of sex talk scantily draped in academic advice. So here goes:

In my opinion article on 2/19/10, I discussed the problem with constantly “pounding” the professor with answers to his or her questions. I explained that this kind of behavior is simply irritating to everyone else in the classroom. When I wrote that article, I firmly believed that this was the most frustrating kind of teacher-student interaction, but now I’ve stumbled upon a greater evil. But what could possibly be more frustrating than constant vagina pounding? Answer: No vagina attention whatsoever. You absolutely must engage with the vagina on some level while making love. Otherwise the sex or the stimulating classroom dynamic will simply not exist.

Now you might say: Well, of course I’m going to engage with the vagina while making love! What kind of stupid advice is this anyway?! All right, you got me. My language was a bit off. What I mean to say is that you cannot over-think while having sex or sitting in class because this will inevitably end up freezing you into inaction. When you think too much about what the other person is feeling you remove yourself from the excitement of the situation and end up losing the previous arousal. The same thing happens in the classroom: When you think about how dumb you might sound to the professor or your classmates, you clam up and find yourself unable to fully immerse in the discussion. In order to prevent this calamitous situation, I came up with a few things to keep in mind.

First, don’t be intimidated. Professors are here to learn with you and help you understand very complicated and confusing material. Only the most pretentious, asinine jerks will make you constantly feel like an idiot. I say constantly, because let’s face it – at least one of your professors is going to make you feel like the dumbest person alive at least once. The difference is that Lewis & Clark professors probably won’t perpetuate your notion of inadequacy. Or maybe it’s just that I like to believe that this school avoids hiring soul-crushing douche bags.

Second, don’t be afraid to embarrass yourself! Many of us have horrible sex stories about how we tried something and it failed miserably. I could provide a personal anecdote here, but I’d much rather spare myself the humiliation. Just use your imagination. The same goes with discussions – you will, at some point in your academic career, crash and burn by saying the most idiotic thing imaginable. I once referred to Mao Tse-tung and Stalin as fascist dictators during a debate; I wanted to shoot my own face off afterward. In my defense, it was high school, I was still a virgin (I think), leave me alone! What you have to keep in mind during these horrible, bleak moments of existence is that your partner will more than likely forgive you, and the two of you will grow together into fully realized sexual human beings. If not, the relationship probably wasn’t strong enough to last anyway and you might want to avoid that professor (or even the entire discipline) for the rest of your time here. Honestly, that is an extremely unlikely scenario. You’d have to do something so incredibly stupid or awkward to warrant this kind of rejection that you really shouldn’t worry about it. So please, Please, PLEASE participate during discussions and don’t be afraid. You’re never going to know what you’re missing if you don’t try at least once.